One year. Twelve months. 365 days. No matter how you look at it, that’s a long time to go without a momma. A year ago today at about 2 AM, my sisters and I gathered by my mom’s bedside to mourn her passing and celebrate her life. For such a hard time, those are sweet memories. The year that followed has held many more sweet memories and some very hard times.
School: My first day of senior year was just days before Mom passed away. I so wished that she had been aware enough to talk to me about it! After her passing, I stayed out of school for a while. Going back was terrifying. I didn’t know how people would treat me. If you know me well at all, you know that I hated the words of “comfort”, the hugs, the questions, and the sympathy. But school actually turned out to be one of the easiest places to be. Sure, people gave me weird looks. They acted kind of awkward because they didn’t know what to say. But I was usually surrounded by friends who understood what I needed and could distract me from my pain.
Seminary also became one of my favorite places. There I felt that I could completely relax. I could let my guard down and focus on feeling the spirit and learning about the gospel. I had many amazing experiences there that brought me closer to both my Heavenly Father and my mom.
Sundays, church, and the Coburn family: Sundays were my most difficult day for a long time. They were days that I generally would have spent a large part of with my mom. They were also days that I was expected to face my ward. These people had been such a large part of my mom’s life! They too were mourning. This meant facing the well-meaning ward members that would hug me, look at my sympathetically, and ask, “How are you doing?” To which I would always put on a brave smile and say, “fine” even though what I wanted to do was glare at them with a very sarcastic, “How do you think?” For weeks I would drag myself out of bed for church and at some point between getting out of bed and arriving at church, decide I just couldn’t do it. Sometimes I would even pull up in the parking lot and then just drive away.
I remember one particularly difficult Sunday. I probably hadn’t gone to church, which meant that I had spent all day in bed with far too much time to think. By evening, I was practically hysterical. I needed moral support. I needed a mom. I drove to the Coburn’s house and burst in to tears basically the moment I saw Mama C. I will never forget the words of love and kindness she offered. How I love her!
It wasn’t long after that that I started going to church with the Coburns. The whole family was so good to me! They took me in as one of their own and loved me. I’ll miss them when I’m far away in Logan.
Turning 18: My birthday was one long month after Mom’s passing. My friends and family went out of their way to make it a great day for me! That took some of the sting out of my first birthday without Mom. It didn’t make it easy, but it made it better. Over all, it was a good birthday!
Halloween: Our family Halloween tradition has been to have the family over for dinner before the trick-or-treating began. Chili and donuts were usually on the menu. Halloween has never been one of my favorite holidays, but I wasn’t willing to give up the donut tradition. I’d helped Mom make them a couple of times, so I thought I might be able to figure it out. And I have to say that I did! They were tasty. I was so proud of myself!
Sterling scholar: Auditions for our school’s music sterling scholar came up quickly. And I experienced the stress of finding an accompanist. To this day, it stresses me out. Mom was always my accompanist! She felt the music with me in a way that no one else will ever be able to do. It wasn’t always perfect, but I knew I could depend on her to get me through the piece. I trusted her. We made a good team in that way. I also had to put together a resume and a portfolio without her there to tell me where all the information I needed was. I looked through lots of boxes for random certificates and such things.
It was then that I experienced my first “your mom would be so proud of you” moment. People mean well. I know that. But I don’t need anyone to tell me that my mom is proud of me. I’m aware. We had a close relationship before and we have a close relationship still. Times when people feel the need to say that are times when I should be celebrating, focusing on myself, and looking forward to the future. Mention of my mom sends me right back to the past and things that could have been, were she still with us. I hope that as life goes on, people will allow me to celebrate the way my life is now. I love my mom. She is a part of every little thing I do. I would rather not be reminded that she isn’t with us when I should be celebrating.
Joseph: It’s been a dream of mine for a few years to do a show with my dad. I was so excited to be cast in Joseph with him! It was so fun to play his “daughter-in-law” and interact with him on stage. It was weird to be in a musical and not have Mom around. She and I had a lot of good times because of theater too. But it was so great to have a distraction and something to do!
Saying goodbye to my best friend: In April, my best friend left on his mission. It wasn’t an easy thing for me. He was my moral support, and I missed him like crazy! (I still do.) I felt really lonely for a while. Without either Mom or Taylor there to talk to, I was kind of at a loss. They were both such major parts of my life. How is it fair that they both had to leave me? But that’s the thing. Life isn’t fair. If it were, we’d never learn anything. I’ve had to learn to rely on the Lord first and foremost. I’ve learned to love myself without needing someone else to boost my self confidence. Mom is serving her mission on the other side, and Taylor’s serving his in Alaska. I look up to them both and am grateful for the service they are doing. 
Prom: Every girl expects her mom to be a huge part of her senior prom. But seeing as mine couldn’t be, my sister Rachelle took over. She went dress shopping with me and helped find a gorgeous poofy pink dress and all the accessories to go with it. Then she came and helped me get ready. I had more fun that night than I ever could have dreamed of!
Graduating: I never expected to experience graduation without Mom by my side. It’s a busy time, from senior pictures to the graduation ceremony. My sister Becky came to my senior picture photo shoot to help me with outfit changes and make sure my hair and makeup looked ok. She also went shopping for a graduation dress with me. It made the time that much easier.
I was excited to find out that my dad would be speaking at my graduation! It was a moment I had dreamed of since he was first appointed superintendent. And it was so fun to be on the program with him! It’s a day I’ll never forget.
Pirates of Penzance: Sometimes theater isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes you have disappointments and drama. I was overdue for some theater drama, since the last few shows I’ve done have been fun and carefree. But I’ve never had to face the music without my mom. Mom’s give emotional support that no one else can. They also give some pretty good advice! I’ve missed her a lot during this show. I wish she could have helped me through the rough patches. I have, however, learned to problem solve. It’s been a good experience to grow and learn. (And now the drama is over and the show is just fun. Come see it!)
Personal Progress: I just recently finished Personal Progress and received my Young Womanhood award. It caused me to reflect upon all the projects my mom helped me complete. We worked side by side on the garden one summer and talked about principles of faith. She helped me sew a modest dress for a dance. And eventually she started working on her own Personal Progress. We discussed many topics that the program outlines and signed projects and experiences off for each other. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to learn and grow along side my mom!
College: Tomorrow I embark on an adventure of my own. I am so excited! I wish Mom could have been here to help me get ready and to set up my dorm with me. I would have had such a great time telling her what I’m learning in my music classes. But I am so excited to move on! I know that she will be with me. And I hope that as I start this new chapter of my life, things will get easier. I have had many people tell me that the first year after a parent’s passing is the most difficult. I certainly hope that they’re right. I pray that this year will be less painful and more fun.
Momma, I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always!
As long as I’m living, your baby I’ll be.
I love you!
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