Little Notes

Over the years, I've saved many birthday cards and thank you notes. I have them stashed all around my room. Today as I was going through some drawers, I found a whole stash of them. Included were many from my sweet mom. I'd saved Valentine's cards, birthday cards, even a little note from my baptism day.
My favorite was this little gem:

Dear Lauren,
Thank you for the slippers! I love them. Every time I have to go out to the garbage can I slip them on and feel grateful. (And lots of other times too!)
Thanks for all of your help during Christmas. It was fun to have you around. You're always sweeet and thoughtful. My favorite words are always "What can I do to help" - as well as "I love you, Mom."
Thanks for the present and for being so good.
Love, Mom

Okay really, the woman wrote me a thank you note for giving her slippers for Christmas and managed to make it feel personal! I don't think I wrote a thank you note to her in my life. Shame on me! She was always wonderful at paying attention to the small details. I admire her for that!
Many of the notes I found include words of encouragement and love. I am grateful to her for writing those down so that I can benefit from them for years to come!

Small Mercies

So many events in our lives require preparation. And for a girl in her late teens, that usually means lots of assistance from her mom. That all changed for me when my mom passed away the first week of my senior year of high school. I prepared for a lot of things without her: Sterling Scholar, a few dances, senior pictures, graduation, my first semester of college, etc. At each of these events several wonderful women, often my sisters, stepped up to take care of me.
But since I got my mission call, her absence in my life seems to have been amplified. First it was in preparing to go through the temple. Then in actually going through. Recently, I've missed her care as I've recovered from oral surgery. But most frequently my mind has turned to the fact that she won't be able to help me shop for clothes. To alter the clothes that I find. To remind me that it really doesn't matter what I wear, because I'll be serving the Lord. I so miss her logic and love at this time in my life.
One day I was feeling particularly sad about this. I was thinking about it as I dressed for the adult session of stake conference. That night I picked out a dress that she bought me. In fact, it was from one of our last shopping trips together. At the time she was convinced that I needed more church clothes. I was pretty sure I had enough, but I wasn't one to argue when she offered to take me shopping.
As I pulled the dress over my head, I was wishing for just one more shopping trip like that. You can imagine my delight when I looked in the mirror and saw that this dress is 100% appropriate for mission service! It is long enough, has very modest sleeves, and is a light material that will be wonderful in the humid Houston climate. The thought came, "Mom helped me shop for mission clothes!" My eyes filled with tears of gratitude.
Shortly after, I put the skirt we bought that same day. Amazingly, it is long enough as well! I rarely purchase skirts and dresses longer than knee length, so the fact that I picked out two in one day is truly remarkable. I am grateful for the small mercies that the Lord provides for us. He knows the path we will take and prepares us perfectly for it. He truly is mindful of each of us!

The Perfect Companion

At the beautiful Hawaii temple during our trip to
Hawaii in 2008. Isn't this a great picture of my beautiful
mom? She was so at home in Hawaii, especially
near the temple. 

The temple was always a very important part of Mom's life. In fact, I'm sure it still is. She was a great example of going to the temple as often as possible. And she encouraged me to go frequently and do baptisms for the dead. Just after I turned twelve, she got some of my siblings together to go with me to the temple for the first time. I remember the joy of coming out of the water and having her wrap a towel around me.
Mom also wanted to serve a mission. It was her dream to be able to go serve with my dad. I am saddened that they didn't get to experience that together in this life, but I know that she is working hard to reach everyone she can on the other side.
About April of this year, I started doing family history work. Since that time, I have found over 1000 names to take to the temple. Shortly after I started, I told Mom (sometimes I talk to her like that) that it was her job to make sure the people that I was finding had gained a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel and were ready for baptism.
I was recently talking to Mama C (a friend's mom who has become a mother figure to me) about the work I've been able to do for the dead. She pointed out that I've been doing missionary work, and that I have the greatest companion. It's so true. I am so grateful to her for pointing this out. I'm grateful that I've been able to connect with my own sweet momma in this way. We are working together for a cause that we both dearly love.
This all hit me very hard tonight as I studied scriptures with some of the people in my dorm. We read D&C 128:18 which reads:
 "The earth will be smitten with a curse unless there is a welding link of some kind or other between the fathers and the children, upon some subject or other—and behold what is that subject? It is the baptism for the dead. For we without them cannot be made perfect; neither can they without us be made perfect. Neither can they nor we be made perfect without those who have died in the gospel also..."

I testify that this is true. I have been irreversibly linked to my mom and to those relatives whose work I am doing. Without the experiences of family history work and temple work, I certainly could not be made perfect. And I know that without my mom doing the work that I can't, this experience would not be nearly as sweet. 

I am so grateful for the temple and the experiences that I've had there. I'm grateful for a mother that I know I can count on to be the most hardworking companion ever. And I am so incredibly grateful for a gospel that teaches me that I will have an eternity to continue making memories with my mom. This is a very temporary separation. I so look forward to the day that I can hold my momma in my arms and tell her thank you for doing her part in bringing these wonderful souls to the gospel. I rejoice in the knowledge that that day will come as long as I live worthy of it.


I couldn't resist throwing this out there: Those 1000+ names that I mentioned desperately need work done! I have initiatory, endowment, and sealings left. I also offer FREE babysitting to anyone taking my names to the temple, as long as I don't have to drive too terribly far. I would very much appreciate help from anyone willing :)

Halloween is all about the costumes!

With Halloween approaching, I've been thinking a lot about the costumes I've worn over the years. The first Halloween I remember, I was Minnie Mouse. If my memory serves me right, we'd been to Disneyland during the summer and of course gotten Mickey Mouse ears. Mom dressed me up in a little polka-dotted dress with a bow on my mouse ears. Then she herself dressed as my Mickey. How darling is that? My cute mom dressed up for Halloween as the second half of my costume.
The summer before I started kindergarten took us to New York where we saw Beauty and the Beast. It was on this trip that I fell madly in love with musical theater. And naturally I wanted to be Belle for Halloween. (Apparently my summer trips have a very large influence on my Halloween costumes. Maybe this year I'll be a... Guatemalan?) Mom sewed me the most beautiful gold Belle dress and altered a slip we had on hand to fit underneath it. I felt like a princess! I remember one boy in my kindergarten class that year dressed up as a lion, and everyone joked that he was my beast. I'm pretty sure he was my kindergarten crush too. It was highly embarrassing.
In second grade, I wanted to be a princess. Not any specific princess, but a princess in a tower type princess. So mom made me another beautiful dress. It was cream and blue, I think. There was probably some pink in there too, because what eight year old girly girl doesn't love some pink? She also made me a hat. You know, one of those tall cone shaped hats with material coming off the top. I can't help but wonder if that was my idea or hers, and if it was mine how on earth I came up with it.
In fourth grade, I wanted to be a good witch. She made me a red robe type thing with silver stars on it plus a witches hat to match. The stars must have taken her quite a while to sew on, and I'm really not sure how she made the hat. But she probably thanked her lucky stars (haha) that I hadn't asked her to make me a Glinda the Good Witch kind of dress.
One year in middle school, I was a genie. Think I Dream of Jeannie. I'm pretty sure we threw that one together the weekend before Halloween because by that time I'd become a bit of a procrastinator.
Last year may have been my favorite costume of all time, though. I wasn't planning on dressing up at all. In the middle of making doughnuts that afternoon (because it wouldn't be Halloween without homemade doughnuts), I decided dressing up sounded fun. So I started hunting for a costume. I came across a darling green dress that was obviously homemade. To be honest, I have no idea whose it was. Maybe Mom made it for one of my sisters. I like to imagine it was hers. But whoever it belonged to was exactly my size! It fit me like a glove. Operating under the assumption that it had been Mom's when she was in high school, I ratted my hair, flipped out the ends, and threw a headband in my hair. If you know me, you know I should have lived in the 50s or 60s. I was in heaven!
I love that Mom understood my insane need to get all dressed up. She was so willing to sew me costumes and pamper me. It's made for a lot of wonderful memories! I hope to be able carry on the tradition and spoil my kids a little on Halloween.

Personal Progress: My two most prized possessions

From the moment I started working on Personal Progress, Mom was my biggest supporter. She made an effort to frequently check in on my goals and accomplishments. If I hadn't worked on it in a while, she was always the first to encourage me to pull my books out and begin again. Almost every Sunday, she would ask me if there was anything specific I needed to talk about for my Personal Progress goals. She helped me on countless value projects, spending hours working with me on one thing or another. For my faith value project, she taught me to plant and nurture garden. As we went we discussed faith and the importance of nurturing it with the same love and attention. For choice and accountability, she helped me sew a modest dress for the Christmas dance. I cherish the hours we spent working together on that dress, and the dress itself has become very important to me. When the new Personal Progress books came out, the Relief Society sisters were encouraged to complete the program, especially if they had daughters in Young Women. Mom of course started right away. We worked through the booklet side by side, signing off each other's assignments and supporting each other.
With all this support, you'd think I would have finished much earlier than I did. But I, being a procrastinator, received my Young Womanhood medallion my very last Sunday in my home ward. I wish I had finished even just a year and a half earlier so Mom could have been there physically to celebrate with me. However, I know she's just as proud now as she would have been then!

A fun fact about the dress: My dad had this dress made for my mom
while on his mission. I've inherited it and absolutely love it!

Unknown to me, my dad sent a letter to President Elaine S. Dalton on Mothers' Day explaining to her the work that my mom and I had done together. He mentioned that although my mom didn't have the opportunity to reach her goal of finishing in this life, he's sure she finished them in spirit.
Sister Dalton wrote a wonderful letter back which said that she was including my mom's young womenhood medallion for my dad to give to me after I had received my own.
My dad gave me the medallion on the one year anniversary of my mom's passing. I slipped the beautiful gold medallion around my neck, where my own silver medallion was already hanging. I haven't worn one without the other since. The two look beautiful together. But the amazing thing is the feeling I get when I wear them. I feel so close to my mom and my Heavenly Father. I know they are proud of me and that they are always with me. Their love surrounds me every day. They are my two most prized possessions.

Dancing Around the House

I'm a lot like my mom in a lot of ways. For example, we both love to dance! I don't mean dance in the way it is often seen today: ballet, hip hop, jazz, etc. I mean we share a love for partner dancing, folk dancing, charleston, and so on. She taught me many different kinds of folk dance. In fact, she may have even taught you some folk dance through the years. She often taught at elementary schools and would sometimes practice the dances with me at home to refresh her memory. For a long time, I wanted to go to BYU just so I could join the folk dance team. I wish there were a folk dance team up here!
She also taught me to hula. Not that I was ever any good, but I did have fun trying. She taught me to waltz and would often waltz around the house with me. When I was really little I remember turning on music and the two of us would dance around the house. (I think she probably cleaned as she danced, knowing her.)
Today as I learned the charleston in my Big Band Swing dance class, I couldn't help but think of the woman who had taught me to charleston. How she had gotten out Grandma Fisher's flapper dress so I could charleston in it and feel like a real flapper girl from the 20's. I so wish that I could go home on weekends and show her everything I've learned. That we could, once again, dance around the house to a style of music that we both love. I miss those special moments and the love that we shared for each other and for dance!

365 long days

One year. Twelve months. 365 days. No matter how you look at it, that’s a long time to go without a momma. A year ago today at about 2 AM, my sisters and I gathered by my mom’s bedside to mourn her passing and celebrate her life. For such a hard time, those are sweet memories. The year that followed has held many more sweet memories and some very hard times. 

Warning: there are a few random rants. I thought about taking them out, but I believe that they are an important part of my journey. 

School: My first day of senior year was just days before Mom passed away. I so wished that she had been aware enough to talk to me about it! After her passing, I stayed out of school for a while. Going back was terrifying. I didn’t know how people would treat me. If you know me well at all, you know that I hated the words of “comfort”, the hugs, the questions, and the sympathy. But school actually turned out to be one of the easiest places to be. Sure, people gave me weird looks. They acted kind of awkward because they didn’t know what to say. But I was usually surrounded by friends who understood what I needed and could distract me from my pain. 

Seminary also became one of my favorite places. There I felt that I could completely relax. I could let my guard down and focus on feeling the spirit and learning about the gospel. I had many amazing experiences there that brought me closer to both my Heavenly Father and my mom.

Sundays, church, and the Coburn family: Sundays were my most difficult day for a long time. They were days that I generally would have spent a large part of with my mom. They were also days that I was expected to face my ward. These people had been such a large part of my mom’s life! They too were mourning. This meant facing the well-meaning ward members that would hug me, look at my sympathetically, and ask, “How are you doing?” To which I would always put on a brave smile and say, “fine” even though what I wanted to do was glare at them with a very sarcastic, “How do you think?” For weeks I would drag myself out of bed for church and at some point between getting out of bed and arriving at church, decide I just couldn’t do it. Sometimes I would even pull up in the parking lot and then just drive away. 

I remember one particularly difficult Sunday. I probably hadn’t gone to church, which meant that I had spent all day in bed with far too much time to think. By evening, I was practically hysterical. I needed moral support. I needed a mom. I drove to the Coburn’s house and burst in to tears basically the moment I saw Mama C. I will never forget the words of love and kindness she offered. How I love her! 

It wasn’t long after that that I started going to church with the Coburns. The whole family was so good to me! They took me in as one of their own and loved me. I’ll miss them when I’m far away in Logan. 

Turning 18: My birthday was one long month after Mom’s passing. My friends and family went out of their way to make it a great day for me! That took some of the sting out of my first birthday without Mom. It didn’t make it easy, but it made it better. Over all, it was a good birthday!

Halloween: Our family Halloween tradition has been to have the family over for dinner before the trick-or-treating began. Chili and donuts were usually on the menu. Halloween has never been one of my favorite holidays, but I wasn’t willing to give up the donut tradition. I’d helped Mom make them a couple of times, so I thought I might be able to figure it out. And I have to say that I did! They were tasty. I was so proud of myself!

Sterling scholar: Auditions for our school’s music sterling scholar came up quickly. And I experienced the stress of finding an accompanist. To this day, it stresses me out. Mom was always my accompanist! She felt the music with me in a way that no one else will ever be able to do. It wasn’t always perfect, but I knew I could depend on her to get me through the piece. I trusted her. We made a good team in that way.  I also had to put together a resume and a portfolio without her there to tell me where all the information I needed was. I looked through lots of boxes for random certificates and such things. 

It was then that I experienced my first “your mom would be so proud of you” moment. People mean well. I know that. But I don’t need anyone to tell me that my mom is proud of me. I’m aware. We had a close relationship before and we have a close relationship still. Times when people feel the need to say that are times when I should be celebrating, focusing on myself, and looking forward to the future. Mention of my mom sends me right back to the past and things that could have been, were she still with us. I hope that as life goes on, people will allow me to celebrate the way my life is now. I love my mom. She is a part of every little thing I do. I would rather not be reminded that she isn’t with us when I should be celebrating. 

Joseph: It’s been a dream of mine for a few years to do a show with my dad. I was so excited to be cast in Joseph with him! It was so fun to play his “daughter-in-law” and interact with him on stage. It was weird to be in a musical and not have Mom around. She and I had a lot of good times because of theater too. But it was so great to have a distraction and something to do!

Saying goodbye to my best friend: In April, my best friend left on his mission. It wasn’t an easy thing for me. He was my moral support, and I missed him like crazy! (I still do.) I felt really lonely for a while. Without either Mom or Taylor there to talk to, I was kind of at a loss. They were both such major parts of my life. How is it fair that they both had to leave me? But that’s the thing. Life isn’t fair. If it were, we’d never learn anything. I’ve had to learn to rely on the Lord first and foremost. I’ve learned to love myself without needing someone else to boost my self confidence. Mom is serving her mission on the other side, and Taylor’s serving his in Alaska. I look up to them both and am grateful for the service they are doing. 

Prom: Every girl expects her mom to be a huge part of her senior prom. But seeing as mine couldn’t be, my sister Rachelle took over. She went dress shopping with me and helped find a gorgeous poofy pink dress and all the accessories to go with it. Then she came and helped me get ready. I had more fun that night than I ever could have dreamed of!

Graduating: I never expected to experience graduation without Mom by my side. It’s a busy time, from senior pictures to the graduation ceremony. My sister Becky came to my senior picture photo shoot to help me with outfit changes and make sure my hair and makeup looked ok. She also went shopping for a graduation dress with me. It made the time that much easier.

I was excited to find out that my dad would be speaking at my graduation! It was a moment I had dreamed of since he was first appointed superintendent. And it was so fun to be on the program with him! It’s a day I’ll never forget.

Pirates of Penzance: Sometimes theater isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes you have disappointments and drama. I was overdue for some theater drama, since the last few shows I’ve done have been fun and carefree. But I’ve never had to face the music without my mom. Mom’s give emotional support that no one else can. They also give some pretty good advice! I’ve missed her a lot during this show. I wish she could have helped me through the rough patches. I have, however, learned to problem solve. It’s been a good experience to grow and learn. (And now the drama is over and the show is just fun. Come see it!)

Personal Progress: I just recently finished Personal Progress and received my Young Womanhood award. It caused me to reflect upon all the projects my mom helped me complete. We worked side by side on the garden one summer and talked about principles of faith. She helped me sew a modest dress for a dance. And eventually she started working on her own Personal Progress. We discussed many topics that the program outlines and signed projects and experiences off for each other. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to learn and grow along side my mom!

College: Tomorrow I embark on an adventure of my own. I am so excited! I wish Mom could have been here to help me get ready and to set up my dorm with me. I would have had such a great time telling her what I’m learning in my music classes. But I am so excited to move on! I know that she will be with me. And I hope that as I start this new chapter of my life, things will get easier. I have had many people tell me that the first year after a parent’s passing is the most difficult. I certainly hope that they’re right. I pray that this year will be less painful and more fun.

Momma, I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always! 

As long as I’m living, your baby I’ll be. 

I love you!