Dancing Around the House

I'm a lot like my mom in a lot of ways. For example, we both love to dance! I don't mean dance in the way it is often seen today: ballet, hip hop, jazz, etc. I mean we share a love for partner dancing, folk dancing, charleston, and so on. She taught me many different kinds of folk dance. In fact, she may have even taught you some folk dance through the years. She often taught at elementary schools and would sometimes practice the dances with me at home to refresh her memory. For a long time, I wanted to go to BYU just so I could join the folk dance team. I wish there were a folk dance team up here!
She also taught me to hula. Not that I was ever any good, but I did have fun trying. She taught me to waltz and would often waltz around the house with me. When I was really little I remember turning on music and the two of us would dance around the house. (I think she probably cleaned as she danced, knowing her.)
Today as I learned the charleston in my Big Band Swing dance class, I couldn't help but think of the woman who had taught me to charleston. How she had gotten out Grandma Fisher's flapper dress so I could charleston in it and feel like a real flapper girl from the 20's. I so wish that I could go home on weekends and show her everything I've learned. That we could, once again, dance around the house to a style of music that we both love. I miss those special moments and the love that we shared for each other and for dance!

365 long days

One year. Twelve months. 365 days. No matter how you look at it, that’s a long time to go without a momma. A year ago today at about 2 AM, my sisters and I gathered by my mom’s bedside to mourn her passing and celebrate her life. For such a hard time, those are sweet memories. The year that followed has held many more sweet memories and some very hard times. 

Warning: there are a few random rants. I thought about taking them out, but I believe that they are an important part of my journey. 

School: My first day of senior year was just days before Mom passed away. I so wished that she had been aware enough to talk to me about it! After her passing, I stayed out of school for a while. Going back was terrifying. I didn’t know how people would treat me. If you know me well at all, you know that I hated the words of “comfort”, the hugs, the questions, and the sympathy. But school actually turned out to be one of the easiest places to be. Sure, people gave me weird looks. They acted kind of awkward because they didn’t know what to say. But I was usually surrounded by friends who understood what I needed and could distract me from my pain. 

Seminary also became one of my favorite places. There I felt that I could completely relax. I could let my guard down and focus on feeling the spirit and learning about the gospel. I had many amazing experiences there that brought me closer to both my Heavenly Father and my mom.

Sundays, church, and the Coburn family: Sundays were my most difficult day for a long time. They were days that I generally would have spent a large part of with my mom. They were also days that I was expected to face my ward. These people had been such a large part of my mom’s life! They too were mourning. This meant facing the well-meaning ward members that would hug me, look at my sympathetically, and ask, “How are you doing?” To which I would always put on a brave smile and say, “fine” even though what I wanted to do was glare at them with a very sarcastic, “How do you think?” For weeks I would drag myself out of bed for church and at some point between getting out of bed and arriving at church, decide I just couldn’t do it. Sometimes I would even pull up in the parking lot and then just drive away. 

I remember one particularly difficult Sunday. I probably hadn’t gone to church, which meant that I had spent all day in bed with far too much time to think. By evening, I was practically hysterical. I needed moral support. I needed a mom. I drove to the Coburn’s house and burst in to tears basically the moment I saw Mama C. I will never forget the words of love and kindness she offered. How I love her! 

It wasn’t long after that that I started going to church with the Coburns. The whole family was so good to me! They took me in as one of their own and loved me. I’ll miss them when I’m far away in Logan. 

Turning 18: My birthday was one long month after Mom’s passing. My friends and family went out of their way to make it a great day for me! That took some of the sting out of my first birthday without Mom. It didn’t make it easy, but it made it better. Over all, it was a good birthday!

Halloween: Our family Halloween tradition has been to have the family over for dinner before the trick-or-treating began. Chili and donuts were usually on the menu. Halloween has never been one of my favorite holidays, but I wasn’t willing to give up the donut tradition. I’d helped Mom make them a couple of times, so I thought I might be able to figure it out. And I have to say that I did! They were tasty. I was so proud of myself!

Sterling scholar: Auditions for our school’s music sterling scholar came up quickly. And I experienced the stress of finding an accompanist. To this day, it stresses me out. Mom was always my accompanist! She felt the music with me in a way that no one else will ever be able to do. It wasn’t always perfect, but I knew I could depend on her to get me through the piece. I trusted her. We made a good team in that way.  I also had to put together a resume and a portfolio without her there to tell me where all the information I needed was. I looked through lots of boxes for random certificates and such things. 

It was then that I experienced my first “your mom would be so proud of you” moment. People mean well. I know that. But I don’t need anyone to tell me that my mom is proud of me. I’m aware. We had a close relationship before and we have a close relationship still. Times when people feel the need to say that are times when I should be celebrating, focusing on myself, and looking forward to the future. Mention of my mom sends me right back to the past and things that could have been, were she still with us. I hope that as life goes on, people will allow me to celebrate the way my life is now. I love my mom. She is a part of every little thing I do. I would rather not be reminded that she isn’t with us when I should be celebrating. 

Joseph: It’s been a dream of mine for a few years to do a show with my dad. I was so excited to be cast in Joseph with him! It was so fun to play his “daughter-in-law” and interact with him on stage. It was weird to be in a musical and not have Mom around. She and I had a lot of good times because of theater too. But it was so great to have a distraction and something to do!

Saying goodbye to my best friend: In April, my best friend left on his mission. It wasn’t an easy thing for me. He was my moral support, and I missed him like crazy! (I still do.) I felt really lonely for a while. Without either Mom or Taylor there to talk to, I was kind of at a loss. They were both such major parts of my life. How is it fair that they both had to leave me? But that’s the thing. Life isn’t fair. If it were, we’d never learn anything. I’ve had to learn to rely on the Lord first and foremost. I’ve learned to love myself without needing someone else to boost my self confidence. Mom is serving her mission on the other side, and Taylor’s serving his in Alaska. I look up to them both and am grateful for the service they are doing. 

Prom: Every girl expects her mom to be a huge part of her senior prom. But seeing as mine couldn’t be, my sister Rachelle took over. She went dress shopping with me and helped find a gorgeous poofy pink dress and all the accessories to go with it. Then she came and helped me get ready. I had more fun that night than I ever could have dreamed of!

Graduating: I never expected to experience graduation without Mom by my side. It’s a busy time, from senior pictures to the graduation ceremony. My sister Becky came to my senior picture photo shoot to help me with outfit changes and make sure my hair and makeup looked ok. She also went shopping for a graduation dress with me. It made the time that much easier.

I was excited to find out that my dad would be speaking at my graduation! It was a moment I had dreamed of since he was first appointed superintendent. And it was so fun to be on the program with him! It’s a day I’ll never forget.

Pirates of Penzance: Sometimes theater isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes you have disappointments and drama. I was overdue for some theater drama, since the last few shows I’ve done have been fun and carefree. But I’ve never had to face the music without my mom. Mom’s give emotional support that no one else can. They also give some pretty good advice! I’ve missed her a lot during this show. I wish she could have helped me through the rough patches. I have, however, learned to problem solve. It’s been a good experience to grow and learn. (And now the drama is over and the show is just fun. Come see it!)

Personal Progress: I just recently finished Personal Progress and received my Young Womanhood award. It caused me to reflect upon all the projects my mom helped me complete. We worked side by side on the garden one summer and talked about principles of faith. She helped me sew a modest dress for a dance. And eventually she started working on her own Personal Progress. We discussed many topics that the program outlines and signed projects and experiences off for each other. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have had to learn and grow along side my mom!

College: Tomorrow I embark on an adventure of my own. I am so excited! I wish Mom could have been here to help me get ready and to set up my dorm with me. I would have had such a great time telling her what I’m learning in my music classes. But I am so excited to move on! I know that she will be with me. And I hope that as I start this new chapter of my life, things will get easier. I have had many people tell me that the first year after a parent’s passing is the most difficult. I certainly hope that they’re right. I pray that this year will be less painful and more fun.

Momma, I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always! 

As long as I’m living, your baby I’ll be. 

I love you! 

Trips

As we've been preparing to go to Guatemala these last few days, it's been very exciting. But at the same time, I haven't been able to shake the strange feeling that's accompanied the anticipation. It had me confused for quite a while, but I've recently realized where it's been coming from. Mom won't be going with us.

My life has been filled with lots of vacations. It's something that always leaves my siblings whining about how spoiled I am. Many trips came because of trainings that Dad had to go to for work. Mom and I would spend the day playing while Dad was in meetings. And then in the evening the three of us would find something to do together. Some trips were far enough away that we took a plane and played games on the way. Others were road trips, and Mom would always bring Harry Potter to read to us along the way. When Harry Potter was involved, I didn't mind riding in the car so much.
I will never forget the summer after 8th grade. We went on three fantastic trips: Mexico, Hawaii, and Washington DC. Mexico and Hawaii were exotic and lovely. We enjoyed the beauty and adventures we found in each location. But surprisingly, the most important time of that summer was spent in Washington DC. I didn't understand at the time how much those memories would come to mean to me.
Kids Are Music was going to Washington DC on tour. Mom and I decided to go! (Dad didn't come with. I don't remember why.) We had so much fun together! Dashing across the mall in the pouring rain from one Smithsonian to another, scrambling to eat lunch while walking quickly from the capitol building to the Holocaust Museum, holding hands as we walked the streets of the city. We probably spent more time in the art museum there than anywhere else. I think it was the first time I knew that my mom loved beautiful art. With Mom pointing out the detail and the beauty of the artwork, I quickly came to love it just as much as she did. Experiencing it together was wonderful. We even got a hand-held tour guide type device that would tell us about different pieces as we walked through.

In a time when I could easily have chosen to go off with my friends, I chose to stay with my mom. I think that speaks volumes about the relationship we had. She was, in many ways, my best friend. I felt safe and loved with her.
I am so grateful that we took the opportunity to go on so many trips while she was alive. We learned a lot about each other and about the world as we did so. And I learned so much from her as she took the opportunity to teach me something on each new adventure. I will miss her very much as Dad and I embark on a new adventure, but she will be in my heart the whole way. I so look forward to the adventures that I know we will have together in the next life. Love you Mom!

Summer

Summer was always my favorite season with Mom. It seemed it was a time meant just for us! If you know either of us well at all, you know that it's the only time we're warm. We both adore the sun and the green and the flowers. And the fresh fruit!
The days seemed lazy and laid back, and yet they were so very full. They started with the two of us walking over to the track for a jog at about the same time as the sun was rising. She was patient with my knee; I have a hard time running on hard surfaces. I was patient with her slower pace. We had a lot of good conversations during those early morning walk/jogs. And of course, we admired the sunrise. Because nothing of beauty ever escaped Mom's notice.
Then we'd head home for breakfast and to teach our piano lessons. Sometimes later in the morning, we'd grab racquets and balls and head to the tennis courts. I wasn't ever very good, but I did learn how to hit the ball to the side of the court that she wasn't on and enjoyed watching her run back and forth to return the balls I hit.
After that we generally went our separate directions as far as schedule went. But I relished in those mornings. They were full of such happiness and joy! What I wouldn't give to share just one more of those mornings with her!

Angel

I tried and tried to write a post that would do justice to my amazing momma.  But this was impossible to do in just one post, so I turned to my usual solution.  Music!  I sang this song in Relief Society on Mothers' Day about five years ago.  I believe it was the first time (and one of the only times) that I've cried when singing.  I didn't realize then just how much this song would come to mean to me.  It represents everything that I believe in!  God sent an angel to watch over me, and she will never stop doing just that!  She will always love me and look after me.  I have felt her in my life more times than I could have ever imagined I would.  She's been in the flowers, the scriptures, the warm sunshine, and beautiful music.  She lives on through everything that she taught me and through the many ways that I am so like her.  I love her forever and always.  I am so grateful for my guardian angel on a daily basis.  I love you, Momma!

Things my momma always said

Everyone can relate to this.  Our parents have those certain sayings that only they seem to say.  Often they are met by eye-rolls from the children they are directed at.   But despite this fact, we learn incredibly valuable lessons from each and every one of them. 

Ah the classic momma saying.  "Don't give up what you want most for what you want now" was something I heard probably about once a week.  I don't know if that's how it was with all my siblings, or if she just knew how often I would need to hear this.  Yes, at the time it annoyed me.  But now I am so grateful to have been taught this!  Any time this phrase comes to mind, I know Mom is up there telling me to take a second look at my goals and the steps I'm taking to get there.

Every time I had a problem that I was freaking out about, I heard this at least once.  And it was probably the most annoying thing in the world.  Little did I know, however, that I was learning not to sweat the small stuff, something I've never been any good at.  Mom must have recognized this fault in me and always tried to help me find a way to calm down when freaking out was not necessary.  Which, she taught me, it never is.  I'll be working on this one my entire life!  But she definitely gave me a head start when I was younger.

Here's another one I heard while I was stressed about things.  This one annoyed me too, but it is such an important lesson to learn!  Mom taught me to love, and to love unconditionally.  She taught that love is the best way to solve any problem and that anger only creates more problems.  She showed me that when someone hurt you or made life difficult for you, you don't retaliate.  You kill them with kindness.  You find a way to serve them.  I've learned that, not only does this act help me to forgive the wrong-doer, it also takes away some of the stress and hurt that they caused.

After Sister Dalton's talk on doing hard things, this became Mom's moto.  We had plaques with this phrase on it in several places throughout the house.  She even wrote a song about it.  I think if Mom could have only left me with one message, it would have been that I can do anything I set my mind to.  Nothing is too difficult or out of reach.  Anything can be done with a bit of hard work.

Most importantly, my momma taught me to look at the big picture.  This life is far from easy.  But, in the end it will all be worth it!  When I can look up at my Heavenly Father and know he is proud of me, when I can once again kiss my mom on the cheek and tell her I love her, I know that I will look back on the tough times I had here on earth and say, "It really was worth it!"  I will always be grateful to have been raised in a home where the gospel was not only the focus, but the way of life.  

Tangled

Tangled came out the winter before Mom was diagnosed.  I saw it first and raved to her about how darling it was.  She took the grandkids to see it soon after that and absolutely loved it!  (Who wouldn't?)

I was home one Friday night with cancelled plans and nothing to do.  Dad was out of town, I think, and due to the tumor, Mom's brain wasn't functioning as it once had.  So I took it upon myself to entertain her!  The movie had just barely come out on DVD and I was dying to see it again.  I hopped in the car, ran to Smith's and picked up a copy.  We spent the night watching it together :)  

She pointed out the wonderful similarities between the plot and our Heavenly Father's plan.  He desires that we look to the light and let it lead us back home. He hopes that the light will teach us our true identity... that we are sons and daughters of a King.  But he knows the journey won't be easy for us.  We will face wicked witches who do everything to keep us from learning who we are and people trying to steal our crown.  But she also pointed out that Repunzel went through the whole thing with a smile on her face and a song in her heart.  She changed the world around her along the way.  

I'm so grateful for canceled plans, and a mother who taught me so many wonderful things!